Little White Girl – part II

Little white girl II or Feeling black in a white body

How did I come to feeling black inside my white body?

monochrome photo of woman sleeping on ground
Photo de Xi Xi sur

Him – « What’s your name, beautiful one? » says the tall black man meeting the little white girl at the University student coffee shop.

Her – « Why do you want to know my name for? » The question made her feel inconfortable. What came next was even worst.

Him – « Because I love you! »

He seemed sincere yet his answer, for some reasons, felt like a trap.

Her – « But you don’t know me, how can you love me already! » She was used at men starring at her but not so much with this new style at being so flirtatious and direct.

Him – « Quite simple! Because I love the color of your skin! I also love the way you walk with so much determination as if you know exactly where you are going all the time! »

Her – « That does not make sense at all! How about we become friends and i interview you for a radio program i lead with Desjardins at the University Students Radio Station? I want to know about your life in Senegal and how it feels like to land in North America to study : Rimouski instead of New york or Boston must be a shock, no?. »

We started planning the interview and I soon learned that as a recipient of the Francophony Grants, for his master degree, he was not allowed to choose where he wanted to study nor the exact program he wanted to do. He wanted to study vegetal biology but there was no such programs in Rimouski where they sent him. Apparently, the recepients were divided between a certain amount of French Canadian Universities where they could pick up a program that was the closest to what they wanted. Since one has the chance to study in Canada, why argue about the location and the program? So Rimouski, Québec it was going to be for this young man.

I could not imagine what it was like to live on a continent like Africa, or may be just a bit because i had visited Morroco and seen how people in villages in the mountains or country side lived. Traveling on the back of mules, or using camels, they could cross a road no much faster then 10 km per hour, but it was a steady rythm. I had had a sense of the Arabic World, yet this was far from the Black World. Such was my limited thoughs on the subject then.

After a couple of months of more flirtatious behaviours and a kisses stolen one night at a Univeristy party, he asked me to marry him because in his culture, he said, it was not allowed to be involved with a woman without being married.

I had my doubts. Internet did not exist then to ask questions to Mr Google, Siri or Alexa, i could only rely on others who had a better glimpse at these cultures. I asked him if he really was willing to get married for that or because he wanted to have his papers to stay in Canada.

«May be you just need a sponsor and are to shy to ask me directly to sponsor you?» I asked.

He could have not say no to this. Instead, he said : «If this is what you are thinking, you are free to think what you want » How agile of him and poor thinking of me.

I understood that it was the case and married him. This was the start of my life getting transfiguring from being a white woman feeling black inside. The feeling lasted for 25 years so far, even after we got divorce 6 and half years after the civil wedding. This experience gave me a view from inside a black community leaving in a majority white community further north east of Québec City, Rimouski.

What one can do in the name of « LOVE »…

I gave this man the best of myself, of my youth, of my soul, of my intimity and of my culture and ideas. Especially this last one. Although he denied the life we created together by aborting it, he made it clear he was only interested in pursuing his faith for becoming a celebrity as such as his Aunt had predicted him. From my 27th year old high, I told him all about the unicity of French Canadian, the fabric of what make us different from the rest of Canada (ROC). I do write these texts now in English for a reason, dont be fouled by me…

If i have contaminated him with my culture, so did he with his. This marriage was a failure from the begginning as it was based on accessing to papers and to create a family. However i did the best i could to understand how i could weave our cultures to become a happier couple. Of course, the basic was communication, but isn’t it the case for most young couples with no experience in sharing a commun life and space? Today, i concluded the real failure of the common life we had to a lack of enthouiam from him to be part of our team as it needs t obe two to tango.
This is the second rock on my road on the quest of cultural knowledge. Of course, i did not know it then as i had no distance from all that I was living.
From my side, i was a very ambitious woman with dream of traveling and discover the world and a civil status was the less of my worry then! I was told once by a dear Friend, Andrée, the mother of one of my teenage friend, that as a woman, if i wanted to be free it started with money : I needed to become indepent and autonomous without thinking that husband would pay for what i wanted. I thank her today for her shared wisdom. I miss her as well, her advises, her intellectual and curious mind. Of course, my mom was a perfect example of a working woman beeing freer with her money. But this will be an other chapter of my story to come.

Des loups et des femmes

La terre est grande. Bon, ça dépend du point de vue; celui de la fourmi au travail ou du loup à la recherche de proies à dévorer, de la chauffeuse de camion lourd qui parcourt les Amériques tous les mois ou celui de l’astrophysicien qui scrute tous les recoins de l’Univers à l’aide de ses télescopes.

Néanmoins, selon les derniers chiffres du Bureau de recensement américain (6 mars, 2018), la petite planète bleue héberge près de 7 milliards 500 millions d’humains, mais à peu près l’équivalent de femmes (49,6%) et d’homme (50,4%) selon l’Organisation des Nations Unies (2017). Comme le genre masculin tend à mourir davantage à la naissance et à vivre moins vieux que les femmes, on peut considérer que la nature à créer une équité en nombre des deux genres cohabitant cette planète. Pourtant, les statistiques deviennent moins gaies quand on regarde du côté de l’éducation, de la violence, de l’abus et de l’économie.

Analphabétisme et éducation

Les statistiques sur la disparité des genres quant à l’éducation et à l’accès aux connaissances ne semblent guère réjouissantes. Selon l’UNESCO, il existe  774 millions d’adultes analphabètes dans le monde; 67% sont  des femmes. Et cette proportion est Lire la suite « Des loups et des femmes »

Love shakes

Why is it that everytime love surrounds me I start shaking and it is not of pleasure? When i was young, i have associated love with receiving a slap on my face or a belt on my back and legs. I have heard my mother complaning enough of my dad’s brutality and from my two foot height, nothing good could come from the love of a man. But not much either would come from the loving hand of my mother since she was  pretty good too on beating on her children, or at least on me.The difference between me and other kids who suffer is that i had a roof over my head and was too scared to go on my own. Oh! I did try to leave the parents house when i was about 5 year old, but i soon realized i could not survive on my own just yet. So i have counted the days until i was able to fly on my own.

Beating a child is the last  thing on earth that should be happening. Adults, whom are the mature and reasonnable creatures of  »God » should be the ones to blame but many child abusers are let free unpunished, not feeling any guilt and pursuing their  life and abusive acts. The damage done on children, the victims, is a life threat. The facts on  child abuse and neglect are  that  »1 in 10 children suffer from child maltreatment. 1 in 16 children suffer from sexual abuse. Nearly 1 in 10 children are witnesses to family violence (SafeHorizon, 2015) ». Leaving children in poverty is no better. How many of them are sleeping in the streets of Manilla or living in a dump?

I believe that a society led by a Government who is not taking care of their youth and children is also as guilty as any adults who is beating up and abusing a child. This is neglecting care for those who need it. Seeing it and not acting to solve the situation is part of the problem. If you believe that solutions and concrete actions should come from your Government and the Society you are in, please forward this message to your friends and family. I also invite you to do an action today to help a child in need : you can become a Big brother or a big sister, you can adopt or foster a child, you can write petitions or blogs, make a video or photos to comment and collect information in you city about children who are neglected and sensitize your community with it using social media lile Twitter, Pinterest, Facebook, etc. The choice is yours and this short list is just an example of what is possible. Keep the ball rolling.